“Vulnerability is about showing up and being seen. It’s tough to do when we are terrified about what people might see or think.”
Brené Brown
Brené Brown is my soul sister. I read and reread everything she writes. And yet, I still fall short on the basic truths of her research on a daily basis.
The "cave I fear to enter", and where I fall short most often, is being vulnerable and sharing my emotions with others.
Recently, this fear almost impacted my daughter and her health in a way that would have been hard to recover from. Luckily, I decided to rumble with vulnerability when it mattered most.
Here is my story...
My daughter woke up and was complaining about a stomach cramp. I didn't think much of it and sent her off to school. About an hour into her school day, I got a call from the nurse saying my daughter had vomited and needed to be picked up. As we drove home from school, and my daughter described what she was feeling (right abdomen pain, she just could not get comfortable, and the pain was coming and going), I had that gut feeling that something was wrong and it wasn't just a stomach bug.
After a stop at our pediatrician, we were headed to the ER with suspected appendicitis. And this is where the story really begins.
For seven hours I watched my daughter suffer in pain as she waited in the ER for the doctors and nurses to figure out what was happening. Her blood and urine tests were showing she was fine and her ultrasound did not show signs of anything wrong with her appendix. It did, however, show some inconclusive signs of something going on with her ovary. They were suggesting we just take her home and monitor over night and come back if the pain didn't go away.
Wait and see...WTF!?
For seven hours I had my armor on. I was staying "strong" for my daughter. Smiling, patiently listening to the doctors and nurses, and telling my daughter everything was going to be alright.
Inside my fear was raging. I was scared.
After seven hours they were telling us to just take her home and "wait and see."
Wait and see...WTF!?
Inside my fear was still raging. I was still scared.
I was scared I might be over-reacting and she might just have a stomach bug. I was scared I might under-reacting and something could be terribly wrong. I was scared because I didn't know what to do. I was scared my daughter would sense my fear and uncertainty. I was worried about making the right decision and was worried about what everyone else was thinking.
I was feeling all these emotions alone because my fear of being vulnerable was winning. I wasn’t sharing any of these thoughts with anyone. I was surrounded by people who could help and yet I was alone.
Then nurse Charlotte arrived and I was finally ready to rumble. She asked how I was doing and if I was ready for my daughter’s discharge papers.
I "entered the cave" and told her I was scared and didn’t know what to do. I told her my gut was saying my daughter needed to stay in the hospital. And then, I let my daughter see me cry. I let my daughter observe the "power move" of asking for help. I let my daughter see my strength through my vulnerability.
Entering that cave of vulnerability truly did hold the treasure I was seeking.
We didn't leave the hospital. My daughter ended up having surgery and the surgeon discovered the pain was being caused by ovarian torsion.
If we had walked out of the hospital that night to “wait and see,” my daughter would have lost her ovary. Lost her f***ing ovary.
Thank goodness I decided to rumble.
It’s scary AND worth it to lean into vulnerability.
Ask for help. Share your emotions. Speak your truth. Say I'm sorry.
Leave. Stay. Share your idea. Cry. Laugh. Live. Love.
You are not alone. You have your square squad. You have your pack. You have your team.
Be brave!
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